It's been a while since I wrote a blog
I decided that my writing was too verbose for an audience
then I decided I had exhausted topics
then I decided that I would be best to just journal.......
I have been plagued with self doubt my entire life but over the last month I hit an all time lowπ©
I have been getting on my own nerves as I have felt like I am waiting in limbo for something cartartic to hit me like a brick - just going through the motions, every day a chore when I questioned daily my purpose.
I went through the usual motions of reading and self development but still felt like I was treading water.
I kept saying to myself that when the year began in earnest I would kick myself up the butt and shake off the doldrums
Maybe after a lifetime of teaching I still respond to the start of the school year as when I kick into action.
Whatever - I feel more activated and keen to reenergise my daily routine and my business.
I will admit that I have become discouraged with my business, fully believing in the product and the business but failing to fully believe in me and my ability to share a gift that has so blessed my life.
I started to reflect on a life where I could never afford such indulgence
Self belief wasn't an issue when I had to find money to pay bills or afford car repairs or raise four children - what the hell made me think I could be so flaccid in my endeavours now
I had an interesting chat with Ben Leigh and Taylah last night and as usual learned so much
I was reminded that I could be discouraged or indeed sad because experiencing the full gambit of emotions is a part of the roller coaster that is life.
Reluctant to admit to even myself the sluggishness of the last month I realised that I didn't want to seem ungrateful because if anyone in this world is grateful it is MEππ
I must be honest - this retirement lark isn't that easy
you work your whole life with a total sense of purpose- you are young and busy, mostly driven by urgency and necessity, not choice.
You come out the other end older and confused - what do you mean - I can do anything I like????
It feels like you enter a cave as a hatchling and after years of meandering around looking for an exit you see a light , exit the cave and then after the sigh of relief realise that you are not the same person who entered the cave and haven't a clue about what is on the other side.
Be grateful for the wonderful life of network marketing - it will allow you to always experiment life on your own terms and you will always be ready for the light at the end of the tunnel.
I spent a life full to over flowing with committees, sport, coaching, teaching and motherhood and now all of a sudden I can explore my genius ........
I am still not sure of what I am doing but I vow to blog every day and move forward not caring about perceived success but happy to just be trying.
I have always been so driven by hitting targets and managing performance I now have to create my own reality - I already feel so much better about my purpose
I know that I want my grandchild to learn from me before I am learning from him/her.