Poorly made

I remember reading an article about Steve Jobs and it reported him telling his daughter that he hadn't connected with her because he was 'poorly made'.

It was such a light globe moment for me - I remember thinking that I was as flawed as one of this century's geniuses.

Never have I heard it said so simply and so succinctly - I have always felt like a jigsaw puzzle put together badly or a missing link but to say - 'made poorly' really acknowledges that  the parts are all there just not in a fully functioning manner.

Not long after I watched Tony Robbins 'I am not your guru' documentary and reflected that I once had announced to a colleague that I don't sport a beard and a turban and that - 'I am not your guru....', thinking flippantly that I had something in common with yet another groundbreaking contributor to the 21st century.

Robbins makes the comment that he forgave the transgressions of his past and thanked all negative events and people for their place in his history as it made him the man he is today.

Again - a light globe moment .

It became so liberating to simply realise  that without the rejection of my past I wouldn't have any of the attributes that have made me the person I see today.

I have always known I have some great attributes but I have not always liked 'me'.

I have used the excuse that rejection and a dysfunctional childhood made me feel disconnected and devoid of self esteem.

I love the feeling that I can divest myself of that feeling and realise that this childhood has given me some of my finest qualities .

 Interestingly last Friday I walked past what was once Rosie's pub in Freo and realised that it was once again called 'the Federal' - a public house of my youth. I stopped in my tracks as all the memories of my childhood flooded back as I wondered at my shocked reaction.

I looked through the front door and saw as clear as if it was yesterday

the long passage leading down to the public lounge and remembered days of my school holidays sitting beside a table in this very passage for long hours sipping on a lemonade while my grandmother enjoyed a few beers with an old drinking partner.

It wasn't just the Federal it was also the worker's club and the WAGR bar. 

I had progressed to sitting in public houses as an older child after many holidays being parked in a dark, dingy cafe reading Diana periodicals and making a lemonade spider last until the 3 00 bus home when Bessie would have had her fill and need to be home in time to prepare dinner.

As I grew I started to understand that this behaviour was not great and committed to making my own children's childhood the complete opposite - full of activity , fun and connection .

I must admit I was quite resentful of my passage to adulthood and it served for a long time as an excuse not to really stretch myself.

What I now realise is that long hours spent occupying myself with my thoughts has helped me be resilient and patient and some might say - stoic!!

Wnilst this new time in my life is proving more testing than I had anticipated I realise that I am consistent and resigned to making positive changes - I might hit road blocks but I never give up.

I think I need to thank my days of wine and roses for that ability - no bells and whistles - just good old fashioned quiet, restrained and reflective hours of time in my own.

The apple however doesn't fall far from the tree and I had my own struggles with alcohol dependence and will forever regret that I sank into that gloomy pit.

I did struggle  and did overcome and again think I can possibly thank those long tedious days of my youth for this ability to just suck it up and get on with it 😀

#poorlymade#notanyonesguru#awakening